Guile’s World

“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this…

“I am driven by two main philosophies: know more about the world than I knew yesterday, and lessen the suffering of others. You’d be surprised how far that gets you.”

– Neil deGrasse Tyson

We’re friends. When you laugh, I laugh. When you cry, I cry. When you jump off a bridge, I get in a boat and go save your retarded ass.

Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.

1. Take an ugly, washed-out photo of Mark Zuckerberg lighting a billion dollars on fire.
2. Make high-budget Hollywood studio movies about how David Fincher, Aaron Sorkin, and Jesse Eisenberg all rose to the top of their industries at the cost of their souls.
3. Pay a portion of what it would take to get someone to explain what Instagram is to my mother.
4. Build the world's best Farmville Farm.
5. Develop a dislike button.
6. Buy a camera and a jar of Vaseline for everyone in North America.
7. All the hot chicks in the world, at the same time.
8. Convert it to Facebook Credits and make Facebucks an actual currency.
9. Give everyone in North America $3.00 to apologize for all they times they’ve violated our privacy.
10. Spend the rest of their lives eating dollar bills for every meal.
11. Pay a staff member to run an array of profiles for dead people who would be fun Facebook friends to have.
12. Make a separate Facebook just for babies and pets.
13. Make Google Glasses first.
14. Pay Michael Fassbender to change his name to Michael Facebook.
15. Wait, did they not know that Instagram is free?

New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without saying “Thanks”, I am granted one free attempt at trying to trip you.

If Tetris has taught me anything, it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

If Ed Harris can type with one finger from the bottom of the ocean with six litres of fluid in his lungs and only make one typo, then you can afford the fraction of a second it takes to spell out the entire word “you”.

Hello Ladies,

Look at your nerd, now back to me, now back to your nerd, now back to me! Sadly, he isn’t me. But if he stopped watching Star Trek and switched to the ‘Wars he could at least nerd like me. Look down, now back up. Where are you? You’re on the Wall in Westeros, snuggled up with the nerd your nerd could nerd like. What’s that on your finger? It’s the Ring, and I’m carrying you on my shoulders up the side of Mount Doom. Look again. What’s in my hand? It’s a Pokeball, and with Batman’s help we’ve caught them all!

Anything is possible when you date a nerd.

I’m in a DeLorean!

iPhone users who are crying that Instagram is on Android now, and no longer a multi-million user “exclusive” club, worry not. We didn’t realize it was just a bunch of sepia-filtered photos being posted to a truncated tumblr. You can have it back.